


Midnight Heart

by Cesare



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Alien Technology, F/F, Gender Related, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-01
Updated: 2010-05-01
Packaged: 2017-10-14 11:04:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/148621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cesare/pseuds/Cesare
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's easy for Jennifer to go on loving Meredith after the change.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Midnight Heart

Jennifer hangs in there after Rodney encounters an Ancient device that transitions Rodney from _him_ to _her_. Jennifer supports her as she comes to terms with the sudden change, and reveals that she's always wanted to be Meredith, says to Jennifer, to her family, her friends, her colleagues, "This is me. I don't want to go back."

Jennifer supports Meredith throughout the humiliating psychiatric evaluation imposed by the SGC, and celebrates with her when Woolsey happily announces that Meredith will remain Head of Science and Research of the Atlantis expedition.

Colonel Sheppard gives Meredith a clap on the back. Ronon hugs her and lifts her off her feet; Teyla touches brows with her and puts Torren on her lap. In twos and threes, most of the expedition comes by to congratulate her. Meredith glows, and Jennifer's happy to stand by her side, happy to be there for her, to be with her.

It's easy for Jennifer to go on loving Meredith after the change. Meredith is still brilliant and sarcastic and secretly funny and sweetly awkward, and she's happier and a little less abrasive (a _little)_ now that she's not forcing herself to behave according to her internalized standard of manliness, the way she felt she had to when her body was Rodney.

But it's hard for Jennifer, so hard, so fucking impossible for her to swallow down her jealousy. She always felt so lucky that her parents let her transition when she was young. She was so lucky that starting hormones early gave her a fine bone structure, smooth skin. So lucky that there was money for all of it, that her dad knew someone who knew someone who got Jennifer under the care of one of the best teams in the world for her reassignment surgery.

So lucky that when she fell in love, it was with someone who understood, with Rodney, who touched her body with envy and awe, who saw her as a beautiful woman before she told him and after, just the same. Someone who sees her as she is.

She is lucky. She's so lucky.

But she's not so lucky that she just touched a funny-looking pedestal and woke up with a body that matched her mind.

It took years. Years of never fitting in. Years that her extended family insisted on calling her Ryan and saying they'd pray for her, until her father finally said that anyone who didn't accept Jennifer would no longer be welcome in their home.

Years after her mom got sick and it seemed like they were always at the hospital, years that if it wasn't Mom's chemo it was Jennifer's therapy, years when Jennifer felt so guilty that they'd spent money on her transition that might have helped make her mother's life a little longer, a little easier.

Whispers pressed in around her at her mother's funeral, disapproving eyes on her legs in nylons, scowls at the hem of her black dress.

Not so lucky.

And she's not so lucky that she'll get to use that funny pedestal to effect a more perfect transition. It uses too much power.

Jennifer hates how often she wonders whether Meredith knew what it did before she touched the device, and whether Meredith knew she was taking the one chance anyone was going to get with it.

She hates how bitter that thought makes her. Jennifer would never trade Meredith's transition, Meredith's happiness, to have a cis female body instead.

But when they're in bed together, Jennifer can't help feeling covetous of Meredith's soft, pretty hourglass figure, her lush hips. It makes Jennifer self-conscious about her own body. She can't stop comparing the size of her breasts to Meredith's generous C cups. She can't help her jealousy when she goes down on Meredith, remembering Rodney's penis hard in her hand when she slips her fingers into the slick deep heat of Meredith's vagina, rooted naturally in Meredith's body, not sculpted by a surgeon. She stares at the beautiful dark rose engorgement of Meredith's clit and her whole body aches with desire and with envy.

She only broaches it once, and it kills her that Meredith doesn't consider it for even a second. "It takes point-seven percent of the ZPM!" Meredith says. "That amount of energy is measured in kilotons. With an s. As in plural."

And, "You might not even like the outcome. If it changes you to the body you'd have if you'd been born cis... that might not be anything like you are now. What if you aren't happy with how it changes you?"

And, "There are some big downsides, you know. It's messy. And everything they say about cramps is true."

"Meredith," Jennifer says heavily.

"...Sorry."

"It's okay," Jennifer says, and she means it.

She's just not sure she'll be able to mean it forever.


End file.
